Friday, December 12, 2008
I lost a friend to a motor accident. He's the second one. He was my project mate for one of my modules in poly during my final year. Though we often disagree with the way of handling the assignments, we got along fine after the project. He was one of the top students from my batch.
I met him once at the MRT station after we graduated. We even exchanged numbers, and for some weird reasons, he asked me to attend his 'graduation ceremony' from medic in army, which I didn't. Before I know it, he's gone. And I only got to know it from the papers.
I'm still in a state of shock.Labels: Emotions
I-dreamt-of-a-cavalier at 6:19 pm
Monday, December 08, 2008
I've just deleted a whole chunk of words that I've typed. Just can't blog to the point, and words just can't seem to form into proper sentences,
我觉得好累，好累。 同时也觉得心力交瘁, 心理也不觉得很不平衡. 总觉得付出很多, 却没有得到回报.虽说付出时不该奢求回报, 但我也不可能一直无条件的付出吗!
帮了别人那么多, 为他们解决那么多困难, 最后却得到的是例行性的一句‘谢谢’，而并非真正感激我而向我说声‘谢谢’。任何工作都有我的份, 不见得立功时提起我的名字. 这还算是小事，他们经常在我还没处理好自己任务范围之内的事，就交待我做这个, 那个的. 过后, 当我忙于帮他们处理之前所交待的事件时, 却又怪我忽略了自己的事务. 更糟的事, 在我还未处理好任何事时, 就安排我做别人的事!
天啊! 我只是个凡人! 我既不是三头六臂, 也不是千手观音, 要我怎么应付的来?
最近我经常感到身心疲惫, 力不从心. 经常睡眠不足, 结果精神紧绷.
好想这样就算了.Labels: Emotions
I-dreamt-of-a-cavalier at 1:47 am
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I'm feeling lousy. I have always been feeling like that. I used to think that my emotional changes has largely to do with my monthly hormone changes.
It's only recently when I start to think things through, did I realise it's all in my thoughts and incidents that I've been through since I was young.
For some reasons, I always feel like I'm worthless. In terms of capability, I pale in comparison to many, simply because I am less capable. But when I'm expected to accomplish something, I'm always left to be on my own feeling helpless, because others think that I'm capable enough to stand on my own feet and they would prefer to save their time/efforts/love/concern/companion on people who 'need it more than me'.
So, where does that leave me? I'm neither on the top, nor the bottom. I'm just dangling in the middle of nowhere.
I thought that these were things of the past and it'll be over once I grow out of childhood. But, why is this still happening now? Why am I always a 'second class citizen'? Will I ever be placed in 'first position', for once?
Sometimes, I really wish I can just leave everything and everyone else behind, bring my furries to a land that can accommodate all of us, and start life afresh. Other times, I just wish that I can be with Dopey; I miss her dearly.Labels: Emotions
I-dreamt-of-a-cavalier at 1:02 am
Monday, July 21, 2008
I wish my parents can stop spoiling my sisters. I know they are trying to give their best, but you are not doing your best when you spoil your kids. If it is, then why didn't you spoil me?
I know this may sound like I'm making this statement because I'm jealous, but I'm not. I find it way too difficult to handle my (younger) sisters anymore. All because my parents tend to give in to their requests more often than not. Now they tend to throw endless tantrums with bad attitudes when things don't go their way.
Even when they are just requesting for something and we can't accede to it. Even if it wasn't mentioned or mutually agreed upon. Even when I've explained how much inconvenience their acts will cost us. Even when I compromised by changing a certain criteria so that things will be much easier for us. Even when .........
When will they learn?
Even my dogs are spoilt.
I've sacrificed a lot of my personal time, fun and play for everyone's sake; pleasing them, making things convenient for them and making them happy. What do I get in return? I don't even hear a thank you. All I hear is 'please', 'don't be like that la', 'I promise you' (Promise my ass. It's only words that I hear. Words with no actions.) etc. Just because we are a family, you think a 'thank you' is not necessary? I'm not expecting formalities. I just want to be appreciated for what I have done. Any more and I'll quit being the sacrificial lamb.
I wish I was the only child, so I didn't have to handle such situations. (Don't be mistaken, I don't detest nor hate them. In fact I dote on them a lot.) I wish my parents had more time for me, so they will communicate with me and understand how I feel. I wish my parents can put themselves in my shoes, so I won't have to feel so miserable all the time. I wish my parents haven't had me in the first place, my family would have been perfect without me.; even my neighbours didn't know I was my parents' daughter.
I wish I can disappear this very moment. I'm so sick of being stuck between making decisions for my own sake and making decisions for other's sake. I wish I didn't have to play the 'devil' when I'm not going to get anything in return.
I wish ...Labels: Emotions
I-dreamt-of-a-cavalier at 12:50 am
Monday, June 30, 2008
I stayed up the whole time looking forward to dawn.
Little did i realise it was dusk that I was actually waiting for.
How stupid can I be.Labels: Emotions
I-dreamt-of-a-cavalier at 7:33 pm
wishesGALORE
1) Go for Charity Dog Run
2)
Bring the Poochies out!
3) Set up an Adoption Blog
4) Donate money to Charity
5) Convince my friends to donate/volunteer at Charity as my birthday gift
6) Volunteer
7) Go Ubin
8) A Nice Over Night at Sentosa
9) Pudding to Blend in Well
